Trite but true: for many of us it all starts with our MOTHERS or FATHERS. The first bitch we knew who taught us everything we know about How To Be not just a Bitch but THE Bitch. Head Bitch in Charge, you know?
Many of us grew up with ONE person -- a parent or grandparent -- who occupied that super mega bitch role. My mom, of course, was the PRIME bitch in our family. My paternal grandmother (the one I wrote about taking after) was in many ways a bigger bitch than my mom, as was my step-grandma / my stepdad's mom: NIGHTMARE, but neither of these bitches lived in close proximity to us so there really wasn't any competition for my mom. She was IT. The beginning and end in bitches.
NONE of our friends had moms who were bigger bitches than Mommy. I mean ... my friends' moms couldn't hold a fucking candle. I might have felt a little self-conscious about this, but in other ways ... nah. Those other sweet moms? They were married to assholes and/or cheaters and/or men of the cloth. I wouldn't have traded my mom for theirs in a million fucking years, or their parents in general. Partly because it doesn't work that way, partly because I did not see their parents or families as "better" overall (duh -- it doesn't work that way!), and mostly because ... I love my parents. INCLUDING my bitch mom.
I'm thinking about this stuff right now as I've been spending more time with my mom this year as she went through chemo and now is recovering from an intense surgery for pancreatic cancer. It is impossible to spend this time around her without being immersed in some intense bitchiness, assholery, and dysfunction. It does bring up some memories, but more relevant it holds up a mirror to me. A mirror that reminds me of two things: one that reassures me I did not come out of the womb a bitch; I *learned* bitchy behaviors FROM HER, and many of my other immature suboptimal patterns of behavior arose as coping tools and also because I was *assigned* the role of next-generation bitch in our family. The other reminder inspires me to change. To *not* be like this. Because OH MY FUCKING GOD IT IS PAINFUL TO BE AROUND AND SERVES ALMOST ZERO PURPOSE. Or is VERY FUCKING COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE.
I do not want to be her age and acting like such a baby-ass bitch-hole. It's not constant, but it is ... A LOT.
The question is ... can I break the cycle? Or is it too late for me?
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