Stupid F*cking Kleenex Boxes

Monday, June 12, 2023

Jesus Fucking Christ, WHY does getting the first Kleenex out of the box have to so fucking annoying, clumsy and inelegant?

Kleenex is a CONVENIENCE item — a wasteful paper product — so I think it should feel more EFFORTLESS to use, right from the word GO. But it is not.

There is nothing like trying to finesse the first tissue out of the Kleenex box without ripping it to make a bitch feel feeble and afflicted with some kind of neurodegenerative disease that primarily affects sensitive aging bitches as they phase out of their compulsive sluttery stage into their dried-out pinched-grimace cranky-ass phase of mid-life jittering around with a cane. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Take these two fresh boxes today. One of them ripped even when I gently tried to wiggle the first sheet out of the box in order to prime it for my wife’s side of the bed.

I did not waste time prepping MY box, though, so when I reached for it actually needing it to blow my nose, of course THE WHOLE BOX lifted up when I tried to pull on the first tissue, and then the cardboard base banged around on my nightstand/sick-old-lady-lapdesk as I “pulled” through the air trying to extricate it from the box which then KNOCKED OVER my pen bag into the residue on my lunch plate, sullying one of my most precious possessions (it’s nigh on impossible to find this Mead pen bag without their bigger bolder five-star branding nowadays).

Sure, they’re not name-brand (they’re Safeway's “Signature Select”), but that’s not the problem; I’ve had the same issue with The Real Kleenex boxes, so I’m not paying more for the same snot-nosed experience I get with generics.

I imagine one of the issues is that they OVERSTUFF the boxes so nobody feels like they’re getting shorted on the paper products they paid for. But really what good is that when you wind up with the first two tissues pulling out together and all ripped up?

I could go on and on about Kleenex boxes: the word “tissue”, that super-aggravating THING my wife does with her Kleenex, and ways I fetishize kleenex to the point of crazy old-lady-bitchiness (why are old bitches so keen on collecting and hoarding and displaying the absolute corniest little pleasures of life?). Also? I have very specific Kleenex PREFERENCES. Woe to you who helps with my errands and selects the wrong fucking type. But let’s save those topics for a revisit or three down the line.

For now, just know how fucking annoyed I was today in the heat of late-spring allergy season to clumsily, wastefully struggle with these chintzy fartknocking disposable snotrags.