No You Don't!

 "You got this!"

No, dumb ass. You don't got this.

They don't got this. I don't got this. Stick your bullshit vote of super-confidence right up your fucking ass.

I hate this stupid fucking thing people say to each other and themselves now when any of us are having reasonable misgivings about our qualifications to accomplish whatever, assume a risk, etc. It's the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard. Insert eye-rolling barforama animatronic emoji react.

You hear this everywhere nowadays. It's spectacularly stupid. Some glowing POSITIVE VIBES ONLY way to shut down someone's second-guessing or insecurities with a crazed scientologist Tom Cruise blazing white toothy grin. It's a line out of the handbook for The Tyranny of The Social. Pretending everybody's equally qualified whenever they SENSIBLY consider that maybe they're not up for whatever the fuck. Pretending somebody's not going to get burned while you push them into the fire naked with that extroverted smile when those bitches know perfectly fucking well you're going to bomb and it's going to fucking hurt and you're going to cry. They don't give a fuck about that, and they won't be there with an effective salve or appropriate facial expression when that happens. Because half the time they know you are a loser and an outcast and an incompetent hypersensitive fuck-up, so they just say YOU GOT THIS to act like they support you when really all they mean is YOUR FEARS AND WORRIES AND GRIEF ABOUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE are a fucking GROSS WASTE OF TIME TO THEM and they WILL NOT BE DRAWN INto your pathetic reality or let you drag them down in your morass of mediocrity or substandard unsuitability for coolness, whether it's a burlesque performance or hitting up someone totally out of your league for a date or running for president or going cliff-diving or VAN LIFE or whatever the fuck.

I feel badly for saying it since I definitely know a lot of people a lot of times have their hearts in the right spot when they say it, and have genuinely enthusiastically supportive intentions but OMG I've never seen a bigger advertisement for anyone being totally unqualified for whatever undertaking they're about to embark on. I would rather someone say, well ... even if things go poorly you're not going to die from it, and will learn something from it. Unless of course PEOPLE COULD ACTUALLY DIE because you decided to fly a small plane at night in bad weather like JFK Jr when you were grossly underprepared, or drive a UHaul that's too big for you and you are already a shit driver.

You don't got this, fuckers. Every so often just please let's recognize. YOU DON'T FUCKING GOT THIS.

Maybe I just so totally don't got shit that I cannot even conceive of someone's confidence being bolstered by these dumb fucking words and the manner in which they are delivered and the type of people who say them. Do you know a single person who appreciated hearing this? Does this shit really work for some people? For as many people as it's said to? My god I do not fucking get it.

I am more comfortable with a lot of risk than most (women) I know, and have taken A LOT OF RISKS. All different kinds. So it is not that I'm a big fraidy-cat. But that is not the mentality or words of non-wisdom that get me to take a leap or feel good doing it. IDK. I don't fucking get it. It's just offensively fucking stupid to me. Maybe part of it is that I am comfortable taking risks and NOT feeling good or confident about it. I will still do a lot of shit. Maybe that is because I do not feel good or confident about anything in life most of the time? Who knows. All I know is this is probably a big part / example of my bitch makeup.

"GUARANTEED TO FIT"

 Oh my lord when are they going to stop making these ginormous extra-super-bulky toilet paper rolls? They say “guaranteed to fit”, but where? On one of those giant spools in a car wash?

I picked up a pack of these ridiculous “LONGER-LASTING ROLLS” and I guess good news because I can only get between one and three squares of toilet paper off of them because the roll WILL NOT SPIN; it is TOO BIG for our normal-ass toilet paper dispenser / roll-hanger thingy (what are these actually called? You know what I mean anyway…).

Yes, they’ve had the super big rolls before 2022, but they seem to have scaled it up even more because these ones are HUGE. The others before this were big, true, but Charmin has taken it to a whole new level.

Maybe it’s good. Maybe they actually will last longer (because we cannot freely ROLL the toilet paper off so, like I said, can only get a couple hard-won squares at a time). The extra-big ones before this iteration made me feel so ABUNDANT, so toilet-paper RICH, that I found myself using EXTRA while each roll was fresh. Or maybe I just wanted to reduce the uncomfortably-decadent size of the roll as fast as possible to try to just get back to some semblance of normalcy.

God forbid you take a bath with these super-sized rolls; I soaked in our small bathroom without a fan on to enjoy the steamy humidity during too many months with no rain and the toilet paper swelled up so much it almost popped itself off the hinges. We had to unmount it in order to use the paper as originally designed.