Floundering

I am fucking tired of doing busy work and never getting ahead.

Right now it's Christmas eve and I'm working, struggling to get a million things done, feeling like a thousand to-do lists are fluttering around me (and those aren't even HALF of the things I NEEDNEEDNEED to do), and I just want to do nothing. Only I'm not CAPABLE of doing nothing because even then, I am thinking about work / working inside my head.

I hate that even with this constant WORKWORKWORK everything is half-assed, imperfect, unprofitable, lame, and FAR less than extraordinary. Everytime I get one thing done (actually half-done, because nothing I do ever seems finished) it seems like it's time to do it over again a BETTER way and that whatever I've completed is just a puddle of shit. We just have too many projects and I am totally unwilling to drop any of them or sideline them, so I continue to flounder along struggling to keep up in the most half-assed fashion possible.

I can't even keep up with emails. It's moments like this that I despise myself.

I hate wrapping presents. I am not even capable of cutting an appropriately-sized piece of wrapping paper for a motherfucking box. How FUCKING incompetent is THAT?

The more I do, the more it looks like and feels like I'm doing less.

I'm specifically annoyed right now about the low quality of our videos. Sure, they're better than a lot of people's but they could be SO much better. I hate not being able to use music because of fucking copyright laws. Greedy corporate sons of bitches. I hate not having the time to learn a fucking thing to actually get better at what we do. I hate trying to decide how to use my time best. I hate how inefficient I am and how stubbornly I continue to want to do it all, to think if I were just a little smarter or tried a little harder, I could do it all.

I want so much and I am so frustrated.

Fuck it.

.PDF Files

I fucking hate it when websites link to .pdf files. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Partly because it takes longer for them to load and requires extra software, partly because you hardly ever know (or notice) that's what you're going to wind up with, partly because my machine freezes up sometimes when trying to open them. And if MY machine freezes up for them, I know lots of other people's do too. Ugh!! HTML please.

WOODEN COOKING UTENSILS

Big wooden spoons are fucking disgusting. They absorb wetness and remind me of damp mossy logs in the forest. Now, I *adore* damp mossy logs in the forest, but I do not want to use them to stir and serve my food in the kitchen, okay? Fucking nasty.

My boyfriend is fond of wooden cooking utensils, and since he does most of the cooking I shouldn't bitch about his preferred tools. Except then I am left with the mystery of cleaning them, trying to avoid soap so they don't absorb soap flavor, and being left feeling that they are not clean. When I lay them out to dry, I am sure they magnetically pull bacteria breeding factories towards them, absorbing them and making colonies of slimy sewage.

Gross. Stainless steel PLEASE!!

VET BILLS

I hate that my previous post whined about our precious dog -- she is such a darling, a comfort, a companion, a source of amusement and love . . . and today she's in surgery getting a hopefully-benign tumour removed from her chest.

Over SIX HUNDRED BUCKS though! We spend more money on our dog's healthcare than both of us put together!! Although I do love to bitch, I have a hard time bitching about the vet bill though. I am just happy we can (barely) afford to do it without giving up food for ourselves, etc. I hate seeing older people who are alone struggling to pay to take care of their pets who provide them with so many blessings. It breaks my heart.

So what I *will* bitch about is people who don't fucking get their animals spayed or neutered. I *will* bitch about people who casually collect, then neglect or discard their animals. It makes me fucking sick. My blood boils when people don't want to be confronted with the hard realities of unwanted pets being euthanized and would prefer to let it continue happening rather than be pressured or subjected to educational materials urging people to be more thoughtful and responsible about their animals.

There would be a lot more resources to take care of the animals who DO have loving (but often poor) owners, etc. if we could curb the population growth of dogs and cats.

The Humane Society: Issues Affecting our Pets
SpayUSA.org

My mom just rescued (aka spent tons of $$ on vet bills even though the vet was kind, as they so often are, to do much for free) a little kitty with a busted, infected kneecap. How does this shit happen? So many people are just shitheels, that's how. Compassionless, selfish, stupid fucks.

LICKY DOG SOUNDS

I fucking hate those sounds the dog makes when she's licking herself, or smacking her lips. I know dogs don't have lips, but that's what it sounds like. I hate sending bad energy her way, but stop that licky noise!!!

Thank god for headphones and earplugs -- those licky noises drive me crazy. She loves to come in where I'm trying to work and concentrate, and groom herself . . . lick lick lick. Those wet jello-sliding-down-plastic-walls sounds are so irksome.

HAIR IN MY FACE

I fucking hate hair in my face. I hate bending over to pick shit up enough without the added irritation of hair tickling my face. I want to scratch my face off when that happens. I hate trying to do the dishes enough without having my hair get into my face; with my hands all soapy and wet and full of dishes I can never get the hair out of my face fast enough to avoid pinpricks of torturous tickling hairs in my nostrils, eyes . . . wherever.

Why don't I put the shit in a ponytail? Because it makes dents in my hair and I don't want to have to wash them out. Haven't you heard . . . models only wash their hair once a week!!! NOT that I'm a model . . . I'm just a webwhore.

Someday I'm going to cut all of the shit off, shave it to cueball. But since I run amateur indie pornsites featuring myself, it's not good for branding to change my look.