Returning Unread Books

Very overwhelming & difficult times lately.

Depressed at having to give up and finally take these very overdue books back to the library without having had time to read them.

This is not my beautiful life.

But I am hopeful all of this bullshit working and  suffering and shame and disappointment is fueling clarity for building better times ahead. Giving me a more "powerful why". I mean I knew a long time ago important books and time and space to read (just one example) are important to me, but I did not understand HOW important.

And I'm very grateful this actually IS my beautiful, fortunate life. Maybe some things suck right now - a lot - but every one of my days is still full of so much luck. And beauty. And I'm working hard to make things suck less; so much of what is sucking, I have power to make suck less. That is very lucky.

Transforming DARK ENERGY

I've never heard anyone call Kobe Bryant a bitch, but let's imagine we can apply this hope of transforming anger and competitiveness and "dark energy" into some kind of positive superstar power >>>>>> Robert Greene on Kobe Bryant's Power (youtube short / less than a minute long)

HORRIBLE VIBES

 From one of my fave tweeters, Vinny Thomas @vinn_ayy

preventing ppl from sitting next to me at a stadium event by emanating HORRIBLE vibes

— Vinny Thomas (@vinn_ayy) May 10, 2023

*****

Screamed out the window at construction crew next door and their shit radio and their pack of HALF A DOZEN RELENTLESSLY BARKING DOGS today.

Those dogs were LOVING it.

The crew was positively STUMPED -- frozen, looking around -- by the shrieks of a burning angel seeming to come from behind a canopy of spring-leafing wild cherry trees.

*****

Sometimes it works. Probably because sometimes people truly are clueless about how terribly loud they are, and not actually intentionally inconsiderate.

*****

I don't expect the other neighbors impacted to thank me, but I sort of fantasize that somehow they do.

Unkindness & the Secondary Emotion

Today my psychotherapist informed me that out of all their clients, I am not very kind to myself.

I came in saying anger / my temper are big problems lately. But according to my psychotherapist, "anger is what we call a 'secondary emotion.'"

Usually there's some deeper emotion underneath it. What emotion do you think is underneath your anger?

Fear?

Sadness.

Come "Party"????

 Just saw a series of social media posts for a fundraiser, all issuing the invitation to

COME PARTY WITH US!

Every. Single. Word is a red flag to an introvert bitch.

COME = leave your cozy safe-haven and GO somewhere else

PARTY = omfg barf terrible yuck NO

WITH = so ... leave home to go somewhere that involves synchronized togetherness?!?!? yikes what next oh god 

US = a group of already-gathered people who identify as one unit like giddy coked-up hysterical borg all saying different things that mean the SAME thing but I can't clearly hear through the "party" music that I am supposed to be magnetized to and find more appealing than solitude

****

I think you know you are not and will never be one of the "US" when they are not expecting you to RSVP and do not need or want to know your "I will not be attending ... " RSVP. You only need RSVP to say you're coming, because otherwise they will not be prepared to welcome you specifically because you are not one of "us".

****

I get it. It's a fundraiser. It's not directed at me. It's advertising to a specific group of people, and in part is set up this way because the "US" actually is an exclusive group "you" should not have access to without prior consent and a willingness to contribute some funds.

I truly hope they are successful. I just felt inspired to say how much such words make the entire thing seem like HELL to someone like me.

And I am not the only one who is like me.

I hate having to be considerate

Working at home ... being AT WORK the whole entire time you are home ... IS A BITCH.