Real Time Off for Bitches

I'm learning how much "bitchier" I am when/because I don't get any restorative thoroughly-hermitted solitary uninterrupted non-working flowy dreamy introvert time off.

I'm working on accepting what I truly need for restful leisure time, how much of it I need, how often I need it ... and actually PLANNING for, RESOLVING to, and TAKING IT.

The truth is I have been punished (all introverts and neuro-divergent/non-neurotypical or highly sensitive people are punished) for needing solitude, and choosing it. Enjoying it. "Rejecting" other people in favor of time alone.

It has taken me decades of experience (I'm almost fifty) and a lot of recent learning to understand THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. It is the way I am wired. I am not less-deserving of rest and leisure than other people. I am not "selfish" for needing it. AND I AM NOT A BITCH just because I am wired this way: to love sleeping alone and spending whole days reading without talking to anybody.

But I *am* a serious fucking hardcore bitch-ass crazy person when I do not get it. So no matter how you slice it, it is a *need* if I am going to function in this world and/or have to interact with people at all, ever.

So after I post this and do the dishes ... I am going into serious staycation airplane mode for one day and a couple of nights, all by myself. At home (my wife is traveling for work / just left this afternoon).

I have done a very poor job of prioritizing this kind of time off. I have felt guilty and ashamed of it, and not PLANNED on it the way other plan weekends full of partying and potlucks and catching up with friends and family. Not taking care of myself -- forcing myself to do social work as a "reward" when I take time away from paying work -- has led to a lot of suffering. For me, AND for the people who love me.

I'm almost fifty and I don't want to go into my golden years just being a tired prickly bitch. I want to be happy and healthy and radiant! If people think resting and enjoying myself in my off time makes me a bitch, so be it. But I'm not seeing or responding to or getting any kind of notifications tomorrow from people communicating that kind of bullshit, demanding I be accessible to them. Time off means being fortified by DO NOT DISTURB signs and boundaries alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll around my entire being.

This stuff is super fucking central to this idea of what makes someone a "bitch".