FIFTY

I'm turning fifty years old tomorrow. And the only thing I'm clear on is that I don't want to be (such) a bitch.

I guess that is not as clear as it should be.

They say indecisiveness is a sign of insecurity. I think that is true. And I think being a bitch is a sign of insecurity, too.

I'm attached to being a bitch, and afraid to let it go. It is protection. Fortification. A shield to keep people away.

I'm reluctant (afraid) to clearly commit to not wanting to be a bitch anymore.

So. I'll turn fifty years old tomorrow chronologically, but I still have a lot of maturing to do. And clarifying what I really want. Isn't that the very definition of a bitch? Complaining and complaining and complaining and never having anything positive to say or hope for or want or steer towards.

The first part of the solution is figuring out what I want: what I want more than bitchery.