Bitch On a Leash

Apparently I’m less of a bitch when I’m walking a sweet dog.

When I arrived at my mom’s to spend some chemo time with her while my sister and her family were across the country, I was SURPRISED to be greeted by … their dog. I had not anticipated being there. With her fur that I’m allergic to all over the bed and pillowcase.

And you know my mental impulse is to be a complete bitch about that, but my whole-body-and-heart reaction was just joy and love, because SHE IS SUCH A SWEET LOVER and I cannot resist reciprocating her irrepressible ecstatic enthusiasm for bitchy old me walking through the door.

So the first thing I did was take her for a walk/run.

And then the next best thing I did was take her for a LONGER walk later.

And here’s the weirdness: I found myself SMILING. At PEOPLE. Effortlessly. Just … feeling love and openness. Blithely walking around without defensiveness or fear. And I tend to walk around with A LOT of defensiveness and fear.

Part of it was the softly-gloomy spring-in-the-Pacific-Northwest weather embracing us in gentleness. Part of it was being able to walk long stretches without coming into close proximity with people. And part of it was walking THIS dog (as opposed to our husky who passed away over ten years ago; she *loved* picking fights with any and all dogs we might encounter along the way): this sweet little black lab pittie mix with her adorable thoughtfulness, the way she checks in with me even while we’re on a roll, looking back at me with her brown eyes in the most sensitive, probing way … like she’s taking the temperature of everything we’re doing together and that I might be feeling, palpating my whole aura for every sign and symptom related to my well-being and our progress along this journey of togetherness, making sure I still think she’s SUCH A GOOD GIRL SUCH A PRETTY GIRL JUST THE BEST GIRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD YES YOU ARE LOOK AT YOU YOU PERFECT SWEETHEART WHAT A GOOD GIRL YOU ARE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY GIRL YES I DO.

Walking with her through the neighborhoods and downtowns of that city I thought I hated somehow made the whole place a beautiful magical welcoming wonderful story-book land I wanted to traipse through endlessly.

I absolutely wore her ass out with all the walking. In the drizzle. And the experience made me soft all over, inside and out. Her poop on my hand through the black bag just the perfect heat and consistency to let me know I was performing a service while rewarding me with the warm grip of a soft life. And she’s such a good girl she didn’t pull at all while I picked it up.