Friday, December 24, 2004


I am fucking tired of doing busy work and never getting ahead.

Right now it's Christmas eve and I'm working, struggling to get a million things done, feeling like a thousand to-do lists are fluttering around me (and those aren't even HALF of the things I NEEDNEEDNEED to do), and I just want to do nothing. Only I'm not CAPABLE of doing nothing because even then, I am thinking about work / working inside my head.

I hate that even with this constant WORKWORKWORK everything is half-assed, imperfect, unprofitable, lame, and FAR less than extraordinary. Everytime I get one thing done (actually half-done, because nothing I do ever seems finished) it seems like it's time to do it over again a BETTER way and that whatever I've completed is just a puddle of shit. We just have too many projects and I am totally unwilling to drop any of them or sideline them, so I continue to flounder along struggling to keep up in the most half-assed fashion possible.

I can't even keep up with emails. It's moments like this that I despise myself.

I hate wrapping presents. I am not even capable of cutting an appropriately-sized piece of wrapping paper for a motherfucking box. How FUCKING incompetent is THAT?

The more I do, the more it looks like and feels like I'm doing less.

I'm specifically annoyed right now about the low quality of our videos. Sure, they're better than a lot of people's but they could be SO much better. I hate not being able to use music because of fucking copyright laws. Greedy corporate sons of bitches. I hate not having the time to learn a fucking thing to actually get better at what we do. I hate trying to decide how to use my time best. I hate how inefficient I am and how stubbornly I continue to want to do it all, to think if I were just a little smarter or tried a little harder, I could do it all.

I want so much and I am so frustrated.

Fuck it.