Follow-up to this post / another example about how introversion makes accepting help too costly.
Or let's say your mom offers to come all the way from one city to drive you all the way to another city for a doctor appointment because she would "do ANYTHING to help". But riding the bus alone even if you get coronavirus for it is more helpful because the COST of your energy being drained for a stressful ride where you have to TALK and LISTEN and FEEL THE ENERGY of another loved one and BE VIGILANT of them getting stressed out and needing reciprocity etc (when you're already a bad passenger and car crash PTSD is triggered by the mere unavoidable sight of brake lights any distance ahead).
Even just having to text back and pretend you're grateful for the offer instead of fatigued by having to read and figure out how to respond to anything unnecessary and fueled by emotional needs is distinctly UNhelpful. It costs too much to accept these offers of "help" that require so much and many types of fuel. I don't know why people cannot appreciate how much easier it is to pick from a limited number of departure times, get on the bus with strangers, put on headphones, and just RIDE. Next bus. RIDE. Ferry. RIDE. Get off. Walk. Walk. Walk. I would rather have those four hours of relative silence and knowing exactly what to do next with drivers who are trained to do what they do where I am only one passenger of many. Than alll of the communication and updates and back and forthing for 24 hours then fucking Jesus Christ how many hours? 6 hours minimum of the travel and how can I thank you enough and now I'm worried about you getting home safely too and do we want to go out to eat together too and all of that bananas.
When you spend time with people, you want it to be high-quality. Not squandered on this stress where you will no doubt snap and, intentionally or not, behave in a manner your mom doesn't like or approve of or that hurts her feelings IT IS TOO MUCH. No fucking thank you!!! All of that energy squandered just stifling the screaming is too costly.
It is a logistical nightmare that ruins even fun shit just making sure everybody pees and poops when and where they need to and feel comfortable. Constant fucking compromise, people "helping" each other out. I have to poop and now you have to pee and oh wait now we have to stand in line for freshening up makeup and now we missed the ferry and have to wait here in the car together for another hour and you won't just let me read you have to talk or listen to your talk radio.
I just want to look over there out the window and not look at anyone else's face for a month. Not have to try to summon up a response designed to be loving from the one billion muscles in the face that if I don't twitch them correctly will break your heart and what's wrong what's wrong are you okay what's wrong. I understand I do that too but I can't give a shit RN please understand. Just leave me alone.
Of course, I am trying to (and I do, naturally, which is part of what makes it such a struggle to just make the healthy decisions and try to respond -- or resist responding -- in a way that reflects love and reduces the suffering for all of us) temper these feelings with empathy for people wanting to know how they can help and just offering anything that comes to mind and is in their power. Your mom knows the journey is hard, and she is not trying to make it harder; she genuinely (thinks she) is attempting to make it easier (even though I've explained this to her multiple times, and when I do she says she understands, but somehow it just must not stick in there and I should not take it personally she is just doing her best and has competing motivations, etc.). We all often forget though how much of a burden COMMUNICATING is. Especially for introverts. Especially when it is unnecessary and fraught with emotions: the need to reassure, to be grateful, to be loving. I don't have any of that right now. I am busy. Please don't drain my fuel tank. Please I am begging you.
It just never feels right to say "the best way you can help us right now is to leave us alone and not bother us and not ask us for attention or communication or responses." Because when you do that, you are telling them: you are bothering me. You are being needy. You are asking for our help when you do that, not actually offering help to us. Unfortunately that is the truth, though. Figuring out how to respond that does not increase the suffering is a dilemma, and extroverts constantly gore you on those horns. Life force just shooting out in blood-red pulses splashing all over everybody. What the fuck are you supposed to? It's like you have no choice but to expend the energy on this job that they forced you to accept when you are already working triple-time trying to just survive and get through the crisis. How is that helpful?
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