When I bitch, it's not just unpleasant for other people; it is unpleasant for me too. This is especially true when I bitch people out directly -- confrontationally. Especially in real life.
Like yesterday.
I confronted a stranger in a members-only space who was not a member. Part of a group of people who flouted numerous rules (in place to keep members and our assets safe), but she wound up getting the brunt of my frustration.
The stress (felt in my body and mind) and bad feelings I got from it were much worse AFTER I said something than before. You could measure the consequences of those folks actions on me against the consequences of me saying something and it is measurably objectively true that yesterday my bitching hurt me much more than what I was bitching about hurt me (yesterday, anyway; it is unknown what pain I will experience in the future because of my bitching, or may have averted by doing the bitching).
I wasn't a bitch in the classic sense of the term; I did not go on and on in a shrill voice lecturing. I was direct and to the point. I showed absolutely no empathetic or emotional response to her (probably[?] fake ass) apologies and excuses. But still. My heart rate went up, I couldn't concentrate on my work, my hands were shaking. And afterwards -- for many many hours -- I kept returning to thoughts about it. Adding in worries that I had been too harsh. That I should have been kinder. That the member who brought them in was the person I should be confronting, not this young woman who may not even be aware of the guidelines.
When I do these righteous confrontational bitch-ass things, I often think shit like I am not the asshole by saying something, THEY are the assholes for doing the bullshit they did. I am not the asshole for saying words in an unkind-sounding way, THEY are the assholes for behaving in a way that clearly demonstrates they are unkind and don't care about anybody but themselves and are untrustworthy and don't think rules apply to them and clearly don't value me or the space we're sharing or any of the other people who come here. But the truth is we can all be assholes. There can (and usually are) assholes on both sides of a conflict.
If you would just follow the rules that are posted and emailed to us and you agreed to then I wouldn't have to act this way.
Wiser people might point out ... I do not actually *have to* act this way. They didn't force me to react in this manner. I do not actually have to react at all. And I would be happier if I didn't.
More peaceful people would point out that maybe there are not two opposing sides to these conflicts. That we are all part of the same body; if I focus on how I am connected to these people I fearfully perceive myself in conflict with, I can feel we are not on different sides. Being a bitch is always going to cause me more pain.
In hindsight I was able to envision how confusing and hurtful my smackdown may have been to this person so much younger than I am who is doing their best (as we all are; I truly believe that and want that belief to guide my actions more than fear/anger/ego). And since I am more than just an asshole -- I actually do care about people and do not want anyone to experience pain, let alone be the cause of it -- that just led to more suffering for me.
*****
I want to work more on this blog focusing on alternatives and solutions to bitching, healing for assholes and bitches, and tools to work through why we do this. I want to examine and reflect on the efficacy of bitching and ranting, and recognize when it's counterproductive.
Because I didn't start this blog to create a proud poison-slimed barbed rainbow of bitching; I started this blog to try to channel that shit and keep it from infecting how I express myself everywhere else. I started this blog to be less of a bitch, not more of one. Because ultimately I am the one who suffers the most from my habit of being a bitch.
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