Shitty-Ass Drivers

1. People who don't know how to merge
2. people who don't perform head checks, or can't, or don't know how to, or why
3. shitfucks who pass on the right
4. shitfucks who pass on the right when highway or freeway traffic is thick with slowdowns and people merging, and then SLAM ON THEIR BRAKES AND TAILGATE instead of maintaining a space cushion
5. okay yes also shitfucks who absolutely DO just coast needlessly slowly in the fast lane when they should be in the slower lanes
6. people who don't fucking know what a space cushion is
7. people who don't RESPECT a space cushion
8. people who are so fucking shortsighted they can't see that the space cushion is not a product of someone going to slowly in the fast lane in traffic, but a product of modulating speed and sighting ahead to what's going on instead of fucking flying up onto someone's ass at 70 then BRAKING, then accelerating quickly then BRAKING .... what the fuck is wrong with you that you think this herky jerky shit-for-brains brake-reliant driving is getting you somewhere faster? Are you not fucking embarrassed when we get to the same place at the same time after twenty-five fucking miles of your shitty-ass tailgating speed-up-slow-down driving? Do you not appreciate a smooth ride, or respect your brake pads?
9. people who don't understand and respect big trucks' blind spots
10. just every fucking stupid ass motherfucker on the road
11. people who do all this shit without understanding SLICK ROADS make all of this SO MUCH WORSE
12. people who tailgate in their totally fucking useless gigantic pickup trucks so you can't see that traffic is slowed down in front of them because THEY'RE BLOCKING YOUR VIEW and they wait until the last possible second to SLAM ON THEIR BRAKES like moronic shit-for-brains dumb fuck motherfuckers

These people are the baboon-hyena personalities of the roads.

I'm so glad my dad and grandpa and stepdad taught me not to be one of these dumb motherfuckers.

When You're In My Neighborhood ...

Don't come into someone else's neighborhood and park your dumb-ass car in front of the fucking fire hydrant. And/or right in a blind corner. And/or drive so fucking unnecessarily fast where people's kitty cats, squirrel friends, hound dogs, and small children are doing their energetic young-minded best, totally prone to running out into the middle of the street.

Like slow the fuck down and/or learn to walk a few fucking feet you impatient self-centered inconsiderate fartknocking life-endangering motherfuckers.

You're not the ultra-capable omnipotent omniscient fucking GOD behind the wheel you think you are. How do I know? Look at that stupid fucking phone you're holding onto (oh wait I don't need to tell you to look at it YOU ALREADY ARE). You don't know how to drive, you're a menace, and where you're going is not nearly as fucking important and urgent as you seem to think it is.

I hope when Jesus takes your wheel you don't bring any other lives down with you. I don't know a single bushy-tailed rodent whose life I don't value more than yours, you self-important cocksucker.