Judge NOT (lest ye also be judged, dumbass)

I just got off the phone with my mom. And got into a bit of a confrontational argument with her about who much time she spends criticizing other people when we could easily spend that time more productively by criticizing ourselves. You know? Like, I don't want us to be judging other people like they're so fucked up and ohhhhh, I know the solution IT'S SO EASY for their character defects or whatever. When we have got plenty of shit that we need to work on. Plenty of places where we are nowhere near fucking perfect.

It honestly makes me grateful for some bible verses a lot of us grew up with. Like,

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2)

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7:3-5)

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister." (Romans 14:13)

Bottom line: we should focus on correcting our own faults. And being reminded whenever we open our bitch-ass mouths how far we still have to go. That we are NOT perfect. That other people's challenges are not fewer or easier to overcome than our own. That all that steam we use bitching about other people is energy we'd be better applying to bettering our own damn selves.

I think one of the foundational reasons why I have this conflict with my mom (and within myself) when I'm talking to her (or, trying to listen to her) is that I don't "social" the way she does. Like ... I do not want to talk about our social dealings with other people. I do not want to bitch about other people. Though of course ... I *do*. I just do not want to hear her bitch about other people. Maybe partly because it is an unpleasant mirror for how I do the same things and it is so ugly and crazy and stupid. So that circles me right back to being a hypocrite. And this blog, which is not just an outlet for bitching PERIOD, but a reflective safe space to do it and then look at it and figure out WHAT NEXT? What can I do about it? How important is it? Who do I want to be? Just someone who complains?

I don't want to be a crazy dumbass bitch hypocrite who ignores the plank in my own eye while pointing out other people's specks.

Less-Irritating Cultures/Countries

Watching YouTube today -- videos with tips about how foreigners should act in Japan -- I was reminded that a lot of my pet peeves have less to do with me being a hypersensitive bitch and more to do with the CULTURE where I grew up and continue to live (in the US). 

• Things Foreigners Should NEVER Do In Japan

• Things NOT to do in Japan (according to interviewed foreigners)

I was reminded that there are whole entire countries where people take care not to be noisy in public EVEN WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK and they don't talk on their phones on the train, etc. Countries where people are aware of each other's personal space and do everything they can not to infringe on other people's bubbles. Countries where people DO NOT LITTER and it is absolutely NOT normal or acceptable to bring the filth and shit from your shoe soles into your own or other people's homes, schools, salons, spas, etc.

Just knowing this makes me feel more peaceful and less defensive. My standards, desires, and sensitivities are not that crazy or weird. They are just out of step with what this country is and is becoming more like.

The "bitch" part is how I react (freak out) and do (or don't) adapt in response to increasingly gross American standards of behavior, courtesy, etc. On the positive side, the "bitch" part is also super hungry for solutions; the anger and frustration come not just out of fear and confusion, but are hopeful fuel from a genuine desire to acknowledge and seek resolution to the contagious growing insanity of how entitled people are in this country to trespass on one another, incorrectly assess and regulate the risks of each other's behaviors, etc.

I'm not saying I'd fit in better in Singapore or Japan or something like that -- obviously I am very fucking American in a lot of ways (and also socially pretty inept and graceless -- "impolite" and weird and aggressive), and not all of that is bad. Nor do I think other more polite countries are ideal in all respects or without their own problems that would probably make me bitch and moan were I to live there. But listening to people from other countries -- Japan, in this case -- talk openly about irksome behaviors not being the norm, and actually being things you are encouraged to avoid doing there, makes it easier to feel hopeful that there are pockets -- and more can be created that some humans will be attracted to -- of decency and consideration where you won't get screamed at, spit on or shot for requesting someone wear a mask in crowded enclosed spaces, for example, or looked askance at just for wearing one yourself.

Between this and the Daily Stoic stuff I'm absorbing, I feel like I just got a bunch of invitations to design spaces and opportunities to relate to people in sanctuaries, and be a different self that is more in keeping with how I naturally behaved as a child and teenager (and more in keeping with courtesies that were more common in the 1970s and 80s here) and some of the better previous-century values I was raised with.

I love how this post makes me sound like pompous ass and geriatric scold on top of a raging bitch.

One positive thing in this country's favor brought to mind by watching these videos, though, is that we are doing better in many places in this country than a hell of a lot of other countries when it comes to openly littering. There are ways that shit has gotten visibly worse and nastier here in my lifetime, but also ways it has gotten better, but overall we're at least doing better than lots of places. Like most people seem to be aware that the Don and Betty Draper trash picnic is baaaaaad. We still have a long way to go and a lot of people still do a lot of pieces of that shit, but still ... far from the worst on the planet in terms of values (albeit still amongst shittiest in terms of impact due to our wealth and disposable superconsumption powers).