The Solitary Bitch

There is a book for The Solitary Witch. But is there a guidebook for just practicing solitude as a lifestyle preference? Introversion as orientation? I'm sure if you've heard of it you'd recommend QUIET, but I'm not sure that's exactly what I'm wishing for...

I still have so many hang-ups that snag me and get in the way of comfortably guiltlessly un-self-consciously being alone and doing things alone. Not feeling like there is something wrong with me for being SUPER DUPER HAPPY in solitude. Not feeling like every minute I choose to enjoy by myself is a cruel rejection of my fellow human beings, friends, wife and family: a symptom of being a selfish sociopath.

Why? Maybe because I was punished for it as a child and young adult, and called a bitch BY MY FAMILY and a snob in school for no reason except I sought out time alone more than I wanted to share time with others. I saw my dad punished the same way. Though he was not called a bitch for it, I saw how other people in our family took my dad's reclusive ways very personally as an insulting offense to them. It was cruel nonsense, too, considering that my dad was the most openly, genuinely and inclusively kind and loving person AND the most generous in my whole family (and really of anyone I knew growing up).

So much of the B word is sexism and misogyny aimed at girls and women perceived as REJECTING people, especially boys and men. Of not being kind and loving. Of not being emotionally available and socially accessible. Pretty much every choice we make that does NOT appear to include or consider others is perceived as bitchy. Like being alone. Reading a book. Not answering the phone or responding to texts. Making plans to spend time alone and doing it. 

This shit is so fucking exhausting, oppressive, tyrannical BULLSHIT.

This year, right here in January, a couple of themes have emerged for the upcoming twelve months: FANTASIES and STOICISM. I am giving myself permission to visualize, explore and even voice (within reason) ALL of my fantasies, not just the ones that are sexy, social or "sell".

As I approach my fiftieth birthday, that is my golden gift to myself: to dream and focus on a radiant life built on wishes that will sustain me as a mature human, and developing and exercising more of my natural strengths. Stoicism is a key and tried and true framework encouraging me to dispense with apologizing for it, or seeking to mitigate the discomfort other people feel when some of us practice being our best and better selves. Stoicism provides permission to stop engaging in the inefficient and counterproductive displays of emotion and co-dependent constantly-available enmeshment I was taught by immature people equaled connection, empathy, and other things you need to display and provide on-demand in order to qualify as not-a-bitch. It hasn't been working, and has made me MORE of an actual bonafide bitch, not less.

Happy New Year, motherfuckers. I'm sleeping alone tonight BECAUSE I LOVE IT, NOT as a rejection of my spouse. Everyone needs good rest and deep uninterrupted sleep. Some of us get that best in solitude, at least every so often.

I love this moonless rainy winter night, and wishing one another sweet dreams.

Less-Irritating Cultures/Countries

Watching YouTube today -- videos with tips about how foreigners should act in Japan -- I was reminded that a lot of my pet peeves have less to do with me being a hypersensitive bitch and more to do with the CULTURE where I grew up and continue to live (in the US). 

• Things Foreigners Should NEVER Do In Japan

• Things NOT to do in Japan (according to interviewed foreigners)

I was reminded that there are whole entire countries where people take care not to be noisy in public EVEN WHEN THEY'RE DRUNK and they don't talk on their phones on the train, etc. Countries where people are aware of each other's personal space and do everything they can not to infringe on other people's bubbles. Countries where people DO NOT LITTER and it is absolutely NOT normal or acceptable to bring the filth and shit from your shoe soles into your own or other people's homes, schools, salons, spas, etc.

Just knowing this makes me feel more peaceful and less defensive. My standards, desires, and sensitivities are not that crazy or weird. They are just out of step with what this country is and is becoming more like.

The "bitch" part is how I react (freak out) and do (or don't) adapt in response to increasingly gross American standards of behavior, courtesy, etc. On the positive side, the "bitch" part is also super hungry for solutions; the anger and frustration come not just out of fear and confusion, but are hopeful fuel from a genuine desire to acknowledge and seek resolution to the contagious growing insanity of how entitled people are in this country to trespass on one another, incorrectly assess and regulate the risks of each other's behaviors, etc.

I'm not saying I'd fit in better in Singapore or Japan or something like that -- obviously I am very fucking American in a lot of ways (and also socially pretty inept and graceless -- "impolite" and weird and aggressive), and not all of that is bad. Nor do I think other more polite countries are ideal in all respects or without their own problems that would probably make me bitch and moan were I to live there. But listening to people from other countries -- Japan, in this case -- talk openly about irksome behaviors not being the norm, and actually being things you are encouraged to avoid doing there, makes it easier to feel hopeful that there are pockets -- and more can be created that some humans will be attracted to -- of decency and consideration where you won't get screamed at, spit on or shot for requesting someone wear a mask in crowded enclosed spaces, for example, or looked askance at just for wearing one yourself.

Between this and the Daily Stoic stuff I'm absorbing, I feel like I just got a bunch of invitations to design spaces and opportunities to relate to people in sanctuaries, and be a different self that is more in keeping with how I naturally behaved as a child and teenager (and more in keeping with courtesies that were more common in the 1970s and 80s here) and some of the better previous-century values I was raised with.

I love how this post makes me sound like pompous ass and geriatric scold on top of a raging bitch.

One positive thing in this country's favor brought to mind by watching these videos, though, is that we are doing better in many places in this country than a hell of a lot of other countries when it comes to openly littering. There are ways that shit has gotten visibly worse and nastier here in my lifetime, but also ways it has gotten better, but overall we're at least doing better than lots of places. Like most people seem to be aware that the Don and Betty Draper trash picnic is baaaaaad. We still have a long way to go and a lot of people still do a lot of pieces of that shit, but still ... far from the worst on the planet in terms of values (albeit still amongst shittiest in terms of impact due to our wealth and disposable superconsumption powers).