Local Business Wombitch

There is a local business-woman/owner I have a long-standing resentment against. Part of it is some shit she did to my wife. Another part of it is just jealousy over her owning the resources she has, and wishing *I* had them, believing I deserve them more (I don't). Maybe part of it is even that we've paid her money for her services. Man, I hate being resentful about paying people; that is not who I want to be, especially when I, at least, did get my money's worth. But at the time I was going way overboard in my own customer service / delivery, and she was an individual who did NOT do the right thing by my wife, so I thought it not only stingy bad business (I've got my money, you signed a contract, you'll continue to pay me), but also dangerous and dehumanizing. So on top of everything I have to continue to boycott her business even though I'd kind of like to patronize it again. RESENTMENTS!!! I have them.

Anyway.

Over the years, I continue to find myself feeling a touch of gleeful self-righteousness every time I hear another story about her being (and acting) bat-shit crazy. It's that feeling of confirmation that she is "the problem", and it is not in my imagination, but also perceiving it as justice being divinely meted out to her. That she won't get away with treating people like she does. Except the stories are of her treating other people poorly / crazily / abusively (literally throwing things at people), so ... she kind of does get away with it other than the stories being passed around of what a nightmare she is. And that she often makes an ass of herself very publicly, and that no doubt isolates her and limits the health of her relationships and her self.

It's a bad sign that I am comparing myself to other people to measure my own worth. I might be a bitch sometimes, but at least I'm not as bad as THAT crazy bitch! She's WAY worse!! I'm almost a cute totally-sane sweetie-pie compared to HER! Instead of having a standard of behavior and code of ethics I hold myself to, measuring myself by my own yardstick according to what is RIGHT and excellent to me, rather than what keeps me acceptably-average based on how shitty lots of other people are.

During pandemic I saw her at the grocery store a couple of times and she was acting certifiably insane. Like, talking to herself, and defending herself and waging a weird body-language war against invisible enemies. No mask, very intentional about getting in my space and others' in frozen foods ... very incapable of seeing anyone around her as human, but more like we were just shambling zombie-bodies acting as obstacles against her progress in a video game. Just looking all kinds of set-upon by mental demons.

The ugly truth is I've come pretty close to the same level of crazy behavior she was displaying that made me feel better about myself. Because she is just that little bit uglier and older and beyond able to help herself, it seems, than I am. She is a warning: there but for the grace of God go I. And just in the nick of time because I have been nipping at her heels on the scale of crazy behavior, truth be told. Thanks for the warning / I'm glad I'm not THAT bad (yet).

Why am I thinking about this now? Because I just saw a picture of her smiling and looking like a normal healthy good business-person. And I thought, "nobody who knows you will believe that healthy smile; the whole county knows you're a fucking crazy-ass bitch." But right after that I felt sad and wanted her to be alright, and for that image of calm, stable happiness to be true.

This blog has become a tool for me to do more than rant and vent. It is a place of reflection to get past the anger, fear, and resentment that often drives my bitching, and figure out solutions and get a better idea of who I really want to be. Not this bitch. Not that bitch. Somebody better.

It is a relief to feel some kind of human love and connection to that crazy bitch. It is a relief to recognize that she is suffering, and that DOESN'T actually make me feel good or better about myself. What makes me feel better is not wanting her to suffer. What makes me feel better is wanting the best for both of / all of us. What makes me feel better is recognizing I do not actually want to see her  or her business fail; I want her to be relieved of whatever hell she goes through. Because it looks fucking painful, and I have more than a few personal insights into what it must be and feel like for her.

I've been told that when you have a resentment towards someone, the way to deal with that agonizing discomfort is to PRAY FOR THEM. Pray for them to have all of the very best.

I believe that is true. I have found it to be true, because I have done it, and it RELIEVES me. I find it easy for me to want happiness and joy and all of the best for people I've gotten stuck resenting, warring with them in my mind. So I am going to do it tonight for this lady/myself. I am praying for you, bitch. I want you to have peace, success, good health, and solutions to all of your problems. I want you to have limitless joy, and healing. I want you to be surrounded by love. I see the eager, vulnerable child in your face and I want that little lost scared person to be lifted up and hugged and protected and gently guided to all of the best things in life, and confidently go forth on a beautiful, fulfilling, awesome journey.

Until then I will still stay out of your way when you're trying to get to the Totino's, though.