The Solitary Bitch

There is a book for The Solitary Witch. But is there a guidebook for just practicing solitude as a lifestyle preference? Introversion as orientation? I'm sure if you've heard of it you'd recommend QUIET, but I'm not sure that's exactly what I'm wishing for...

I still have so many hang-ups that snag me and get in the way of comfortably guiltlessly un-self-consciously being alone and doing things alone. Not feeling like there is something wrong with me for being SUPER DUPER HAPPY in solitude. Not feeling like every minute I choose to enjoy by myself is a cruel rejection of my fellow human beings, friends, wife and family: a symptom of being a selfish sociopath.

Why? Maybe because I was punished for it as a child and young adult, and called a bitch BY MY FAMILY and a snob in school for no reason except I sought out time alone more than I wanted to share time with others. I saw my dad punished the same way. Though he was not called a bitch for it, I saw how other people in our family took my dad's reclusive ways very personally as an insulting offense to them. It was cruel nonsense, too, considering that my dad was the most openly, genuinely and inclusively kind and loving person AND the most generous in my whole family (and really of anyone I knew growing up).

So much of the B word is sexism and misogyny aimed at girls and women perceived as REJECTING people, especially boys and men. Of not being kind and loving. Of not being emotionally available and socially accessible. Pretty much every choice we make that does NOT appear to include or consider others is perceived as bitchy. Like being alone. Reading a book. Not answering the phone or responding to texts. Making plans to spend time alone and doing it. 

This shit is so fucking exhausting, oppressive, tyrannical BULLSHIT.

This year, right here in January, a couple of themes have emerged for the upcoming twelve months: FANTASIES and STOICISM. I am giving myself permission to visualize, explore and even voice (within reason) ALL of my fantasies, not just the ones that are sexy, social or "sell".

As I approach my fiftieth birthday, that is my golden gift to myself: to dream and focus on a radiant life built on wishes that will sustain me as a mature human, and developing and exercising more of my natural strengths. Stoicism is a key and tried and true framework encouraging me to dispense with apologizing for it, or seeking to mitigate the discomfort other people feel when some of us practice being our best and better selves. Stoicism provides permission to stop engaging in the inefficient and counterproductive displays of emotion and co-dependent constantly-available enmeshment I was taught by immature people equaled connection, empathy, and other things you need to display and provide on-demand in order to qualify as not-a-bitch. It hasn't been working, and has made me MORE of an actual bonafide bitch, not less.

Happy New Year, motherfuckers. I'm sleeping alone tonight BECAUSE I LOVE IT, NOT as a rejection of my spouse. Everyone needs good rest and deep uninterrupted sleep. Some of us get that best in solitude, at least every so often.

I love this moonless rainy winter night, and wishing one another sweet dreams.